Author Archives: Rail de AFsar

Rail De Afsar Chahgya

Ah jee. Today was a good day. Munda’s general store is going to be a supermarket soon and then maybe a chain when I retire. Munishter has finally told me that the game is on. I said how is he going to do all of that after so many public statements against corruption. Pir kehta hai, “I can get away with saying I got 250 million through prize bond. Ai tho koi gaal hi nahi hai”. I say what about Jeeda. He say he is a kamzor gujar. No problem.

He is genus, I mean genius. Now the trick is find Madhuri Jaffrey. No not the actress, the mega tekadar. Jaafrey is one of a kind. He took so many mechanics to Germany and France for joyrides. Even me once. He has great style. Only problem is that he has a big mouth and tells everyone. He has a lot of money to spend though. He works for all the Cheeni Peenis. Have to ask his pukka yaar, anjum to find him.

God willing, the government has been convinced to but the locomotives. We have been saying for long time that we need them and finally we will get them. There are billions to be made and jaafrey is ready to play Dulla. He is a Dulla basically. Did I miss that ?
More later. Too many meetings today. Dimagh fry hogya.


Rail De Afsar de waapsi ..

Ahhhh it was a long chuti. Finally I am back. I was lucky to get chuti before Khwaja sahib, but he still called me back, the Kashmiri badmaash. But it is ok. I got Canadian citizenship. It took one year and munda got his general store up and running. Excuse me. My writing has been very little.

It’s great to be back. Jeeda is now GM. Allah ka shukar hai. All the gand shand is away. Khawaja is a good guy. He plays a good game and talks just like me when I was that age. He even stutters too like munda.

He is saying they are going to get me a good post. Allah ka shukar hai. Sabar ka pal mitha hay. I know they are playing to buy more locomotives and stuff and they need me to help them. Akhir kar, it was me who did all those lovely deals. Khawaja sahib wants to do some more.

Inshallah, after I get full report I will be talking more about how good things are in PR. In the meantime my angrezi will improve. My sardari friend in Toronto made me speak Punjabi all day. Now I am getting better ..

Manhoos American Jew !

Munishter sahib has done it again. Thereby proving his enemies .. they are so many .. wrong. He did what nobody had the courage to do because of being sychophant poodles. He defended the honor of Pakiland by putting up head money for that manhoos american jew ! He’s right when he says that he had no choice just like the Taliban have no choice is killing all his party members and putting head money on his brother. We can only dream of being so wise.
Just imagine. If Munishter sahib had been given free hand to fix Railways how easy it would have been. But nobody let him, and nobody let us help him. Zulm !
I have been very busy these days. NAB SHAB is all over the place. Even Vigilance is after us. Pssst .. DG sahib and me have tea every evening .. don’t tell anyone … So I got all the files from EVERYWHERE and went through them. This is the faida of senior positions. I took all the evidence that could be unjustly and unjustifiably used against me. My other collegaues said it’s a waste of time, that I should be a sher ka bacha. I said what’s the point of being a sher when you’ve been a keedhar all your life ? Then they are not talking to me. I persuaded them with some kala marka. Now they say I’m ok and in their good books again.
I have always been saying what Munishter sahib has been saying. Give PR money and everything will be fine. It’s been working for us the last 30-40 years. Why not now ? Bara zyadati hai. Just when he comes they decide to change the policy. It’s not his fault alone that our locomotives are bad and not working. That every procurement is a NAB case which is traced to his crony.
Aur we have to be doubly careful too. Munishter sahib has NAB in his pocket. Abhi tak nobody has even taken his name ! Just imagine if anyone biggywig gets in his bad books what he can do with him ? So we all have to be very careful with Munishter sahib or he will unfairly target our millions stashed away gotten by saving Rs. 5000 per month from our measly salaries. Itna khatarnak baat hai .. log kya kahengai ?
Anyway, Munishter sahib has such excellent people with him. All you need is a little stuff here and there and then any work is possible. Personally, I prefer to send some kala marka and leave Rail de 2 number chota afsar to do the even dirtier work of (censored). Junior is developing into a great afsar. He has all that it takes to be great at what I do. Even now he is surpassing me in doing things that even I wouldn’t do. A sign that he is getting better than his teacher. He is doing some stuff which I tell him not to as it’s too dirty (censored). He says that is that reason I retarded my growth. Chalo we’ll see.
Rail is going to become thaba aur barbaad soon. But I’ve already made arrangements. I’ll talk about that soon. First more files to look at !

Really Big Rats ..

Why do we have such fat rats ? Is it something they find to eat that that other rats don’t? Or maybe because I don’t get to see many rats that often … They are really huge. Some bigger than your average house cat. In fact, on more than one occasion I’ve seen cats keep their distance. With their menacing claws and sharp teeth and most of all, great teamwork, a well fed (which they usually are) Railway rat can make short work of an average cat.

Which brings you to the next logical question: why aren’t Railway cats so fat? The reason is that these particularly obese rats get a lot of food. It is something in their nature, habits and their absolute willingness to do anything to get more food. So much so that it’s always enough to get a family of rats fat. It’s therefore a refinement of the survival instinct. When you don’t get enough food you wither and die.

Railways likes rats, as most government departments do. They survive, adapt, prosper and most importantly die fat. It’s difficult to argue with that logic in an age of hunger. It’s another matter when the plague hits you and nothing gets left behind, the first to go being the big fat rats.

Railways ke khilaaf Mohim ..

Beware all Rail de Afsars! There is a great conspiracy against our beloved PR. Media people are leading it and misleading the poor, ignorant masses of the true state of affairs. We must unite to counter their nefarious designs !

They take non-issues and blow them out of proportion. They are targeting our non-issues such as trains timing and electricity supply (As if all the other stuff wasn’t sufficient!). I mean what’s the big deal? They say Khyber Mail reached in 3.5 days? So what? I mean only those people go in trains who aren’t in a hurry. If they really cared about time they would go by air, so, so what if they took a day or two extra?

It’s such negativity that has destroyed PR and this country in general. Then it’s the AC problem. Yar it usually runs most of the time and if it doesn’t run for a couple of hours or dats tho kirki kol de? Fresh air is good for health anyway, and my doctor says sitting in AC all the time has given me developing arthritis, so it’s good to have fresh, warm air over your body.

And that stupid loco loss thing. Yar the damn train still gets you there ! We have such a whining, complaining nation. It’s no wonder nothing ever gets done. We’re just complaining, complaining, complaining ..

And it’s not PR fault either. Every deal we do is challenged in courts. Now we’re buying 75 Locos but court doesn’t let us saying that the previous 69 don’t work so why are we buying them again. Yar are they bloody engineers !! Who is a judge to tell us which loco works and doesn’t work. We know damn well which loco doesn’t work all the time with massive failure rates. Do we need him to tell us the obvious? Kya banega is qom ka …

Rail de Zulm !

Zulm ka intiha! Tyranny doesn’t last forever! … My pyarae seniors, all languishing in some dark, hot, squalid cell. For no fault of their own. All they did was do what they were told. I mean isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? To not question and comply? To listen to munister sahib as he is .. uhhh … ummm… uhhh our in-incharge-of-everything? I mean, how did we know that we would get stuck like this when he told us to sign? He would have got us transferred and then we’d lose our monthlies and munna and begum would be in trouble. Career kharab ho jata. Bas this is life for the bureaucrat. I told (junior) that this is the gamble of gormiment service. Golden rule: follow the orders of the political executive and pray a bad day doesn’t come.

You see it isn’t the job of the bureaucrat to bring change and reform. That is the job of the poor political worker who will be shot, beaten, humiliated, tortured and jailed. We can’t bear any of that can we? I know, we will at the most transferred but that doesn’t mean we should take a stand if the awaam of this country is beghairat to stand up to corrupt politicians and not elect them again and again ? Saraa zimadaari mein nahi lesaktaa. Let others fix this country, pir dektae hain.

Aur doosra museebat. Nobody is saying anything to munister! Beghairat NAB! I mean, he took everything, we signed, and now we have to go to jail. That’s why I asked he’s a sher when not signing but a chooha when asked to sign.

Bas these are bad days. Pray to the Almighty that he shortens these bad days and bring ones of plenty and no-worry. These so-called honest officers can gloat for now and call us cowardly, sycophant and submissive. This country will always value us. We are needed and may our tribe flourish !

Poor, Poor General Motors Sahib ..

Boooo Hoooo Boooo Hooooo … sniffle sniffle, barghhhhhhhh (blowing nose). It is sad sad sad day for beloved PR. Our General Motors Sahib is taking dandas in some damp cell in Lahore. He is such a nice, good man. Saada, seedha .. never took … ahem .. (nobody can judge another you know). But yar, he didn’t do anything. He just listened to Ardar ! And we Railway walas take our Arders very seriously, just like faujis (Railways was modeled on Army you know). And how can he blamed if he just listened to Arders ? I mean, this was the same argument by the Nazi in Nuremberg trials in WW II, and it worked well ? didn’t it ? … Oh no .. I forgot they were all hanged .. but never mind. That’s beside the point. This is Pakistan ! OK ?! .. ye kitabee baate yahan nahin chalta .. We are pragmatic, realistic, go with the times, cautious, no point to resist, it’s the way it’s always been etc, etc.

This brings me to the general conspiracy in PR these days. I know who is doing all this. The ever so honest people. I want to tell them their honesty is hypocritical. Don’t they know that they can’t keep railway servants, use fuel in their cars for non-official works? They do this and they call themselves not corrupt ! It’s so shameful while they condemn General Motors for corruption like scrap shap they do EXACTLY the same stuff. It’s such hypocrisy !

I’m sorry for getting so emotional but it’s too much. Just imagine what the wife and kids are going through. I mean, we manage to keep all these ugly things in life from them so they can live with a clean conscience. Now all of them will know how their fees and jewelry money is made. They will be condemned by their families and friends (even though they knew all this from before). It’s so shameful. Itni si baat thee, and now look.

And all this cinema wala did. Now I’m going to be more careful. Every time he just phones and says do this or that, but now I’m going to say he should give it in writing. He acts like badmaash but forgets badmaashi when it comes to giving orders in writing. I used to give same advise to General Motors Sahib, lekin usko samaj nahin aya.

Aaj boray din, lekin ye bhi guzar jainge ..

Faqira de paarperganda ..

Faqira sharm karo ! App ne humarae Munishtar par ghalat ilzaam lagaya ! … I have to defend our beloved Munishtar ..

Look. This is what he has said everyone!

“al de driveran de sutrik ne kuj Rail de over worked afsaran nu resht dita! Vecharaian nu kum tun fursat naeen labdee.
Ay te puchna pae ga k diveraan ne Cinema wallay nu kinay pehe dittay kum karan waastay. Rail nu te lakhan de thuk lug gaee per chalo CW da te kum bun gaya!
P.S Yaar tuun maire cumments kuun uda chadna ay?

Cinemawalla apnay matbal da banda phair wapis le aya ay – is wari thekay te!!
Huun chal so chal!! Sukrap de khair naeen!
Lutto te phutto!
Jeay Bhutto!!”

See his sarcasm na ? He calls our Munishtar corrupt and other stuff. Itna acha aadmi, itna acha .. ke main kya batao. Its because of him ke munna to shadi abhi asaani se .. Na forget about that stuff. Gar ki baate hai.

I am used to such sarcasm Faqira. Ever since I bought a new car after using my cycle to come to work after joining Railways, I had to adapt to the sarcastic cynicism of others. You know, you learn to survive in such an environment. They always think low of you, but you know they are actually jealous. They want to be like me with all the things I have but they don’t have the guts. What fault is it of mine eh ? I mean I sacrifice so much by doing what’s necessary. Always do as I am told, do fatigey and stuff. If they do it they can get stuff done too. If they can’t what fault is it mine ? I have suffered a lot because of their snide remarks. Lekin himat nahin haarta. I keep going on in my ways because it is the best way and the only way.

That is why Munishtar sahb needs defending. How do you know about his credentials? Hain ? So what if he had a cinema ? Haq Halak ka kamahi hai. And I know ke kabhi kabhi wo films chalte the, but so what? Do you know how big an industry it is internationally? His cinemas filled a niche in the market. He is practically anparh and can barely be understood but look at his business acumen. He’s a natural genius by his awareness of the market and the preferences of the semi-barbaric afghans populating his city, and knowing they can’t understand English ‘stuff’ and therefore dubbed films in pushto. (Bless his soul. I always say that to his face. Its because of him ke munna .. oh I’ve already talked about that).

And I know you are referring to General Motors Sahib … (we call him that because he always buys the right locomotives. He’s going for General Motors these days. Apt na ?. Ping Pong sahib wouldn’t be bad either if he went for China ka maal) … He’s such a great guy. You must get to know him. He ALWAYS does as he is told. Munishtar sahib calls him his little black poodle. He says it so lovingly. I wish Munishtar sahib gives me such a nickname too. Sigh .. I am trying my best Faqira. You see it takes a lot of Yes Sirs to get the affections of Munishtar Sahib.

Yahin Asool hai Faqira and the sooner you know it the better. He is such a BRILLIANT OFFICER that how could PR even think, even the thought he could not become General Motors Sahib? He is the magician of all magicians, the best of them all, the corru .. I mean the cleanest of all. He’s our model and what we all want to become. God willing, my turn is coming soon and you will hear good news Faqira that PR will be soon be crippled beyond repair, I mean sorry (pata nahin why that happens), redeemed forever, once I take over from General Motor Sahib.

So you see this is PR. Join the ship. I mean not the sinking one. Reserve a place on the rescue chota wala one. Because you’ll be left Faqira, while we will be sailing into the glorious sunset with a bright future post 60, while you’ll be thinking what good a friend you had in me but didn’t listen to.


Corruption rail de thariqa

It has been a long time. I had to do sifarish for new posting. You know, when promotion time comes lots of money, dinners and connections have to be made. Mainly because in difficult times people like me don’t get promoted for silly, unfair reasons. So I have to work very hard.

And this brings me to the criticism we Rail officers have to face which has no justification. You know all this ‘corruption’ rubbish. I just don’t understand. Sirf railway ke Afsar hotay hain?) All the government is the same. Police wala, custom wala etc etc are all corrupt lekin we are singled out. Yes it’s true that our system is totally destroyed, bankrupt and collapsed. But Yar, look at bijli, gas, telephone … (no not telephone, wo tho teek hogya), walas. So you see it’s not only us. Everybody is bad and it’s only fair that they get kicked in our backsides together and not us only. Insaf hona chahye.

And you know it is an international practice. Everybody takes commissions. It does no harm. It’s rubbish when people say that it’s more than 10%. it can’t be so high as 50%. It’s also a system. Why would politicians get elected if they didn’t have us to do their works? We need them as they need us. This keeps the balance and everybody happy. So you see itni Bari Baat nahin hai. And it isn’t immoral either because our intentions are pure and we do no harm to others.

The real problem is government funding. If we don’t get funds then how can we run the department. Corruption causes only a little loss (how can you quantify it?), so government should make it up for railways like it does for every other department. Why discriminate against railways? It’s really unfair you know.

So I’ve disclosed my heart’s secrets. Don’t look at us in a bad way. We aren’t that bad and it isn’t our fault. In fact we know our jobs really well and are good professionals too. And if people really want to change things why don’t they increase our salaries ? We are only a thousand among eighty five thousand !

Rail de 2 number chota AFsar

Railways is a good department these days. Kuch na Kuch milta hain. We just have to be obedient to the right people and do what we’re supposed to do and things are generally ok. Yar but gar walae bare thung karte hain. Do you know how much shit costs these days? I have only enough to have fun and that too after I pay out everyone. Where the heck am I going to get more? Civil walas have their gang walas as funds are not coming through, and tickets will always sold :). Politicians zindabad. If it wasnt for these assholes some would eat us alive. Kaam set hogya hai. Inshallah everything will be ok.

You know guys, you have to develop your professional skills and craft. We’re going to hit twenty quickly and you won’t get good postings without a good repo. So just making money ain’t enough. You need to know how to move &$&!ing trains around too. Sorry I can’t write more now. I only get a little time in the evening you know, just when the tekadars come to my office. And everybody thinks I’m working .. Hahaha

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